The Day Our Toilet Almost Killed Me

Yesterday I had one of the scariest mornings of my life! I woke before sunrise, had great morning devotions, showered, dressed, and made my way for the door to leave. I was smiling and loving life, but that was about to end!

Happiness was sucked from my soul as Emily yelped from across the house, “Chuck, you need to come to the kids bathroom! Please hurry! The toilet is clogged!”

I snapped back to her in total fear and frustration, “Really?? Come on! Am I the only one in this house who knows how to unclog a toilet? No! Please, don’t make me do this!” 

I nearly cried like a baby. I can’t describe to you how much a clogged toilet can scare the crap right out of me. (Pun intended)

But, like a good loving Father who is always there for his family, I headed for the plunger with love and sacrifice in every step.

Not really! Emily had ruined my perfect morning with her devious smirk, and the giggle that followed my initial reaction.

With plunger in hand, I walked toward the kids bathroom, slowing to a cautious halt as I came upon the crime scene.

I drew my last full breath from the hallway. My time was now limited to 60 seconds at most. I bent down and lifted the lid. Even in all of my mental preparedness, I was not ready for what I was about to witness!

The lid came up and there they were! Three brown demons wrapped in paper turbans! So intimidating they were, extra large and rock solid!

I gasped and groaned as Emily strutted past the bathroom door laughing here cruel and heartless self to tears.

No time to waste, I went to work! The water was lowered so much that I could not successfully navigate my plunger underneath the turds!

I told my wife I loved her and I whispered a prayer, “Dear God, this is the end of the line for me. Please forgive all my sins and welcome me into your kingdom.” I felt warmth in my heart, remembering my years of serving Him faithfully, and my million dollar life insurance policy.

Then, out of the heavens came a new courage, and I looked again and saw a way that I could win!

With plunger in one hand I reached for the flusher with my other hand.

As I flushed, Emily started to tell me how to do it from the hallway. She said, “Um, I wouldn’t flush that again until after you unclog it!”

I said, “Emily, hurry come all the way in here and watch me! Please, I might not be around forever, and I want you to learn how to do this! Look, I flushed so that the water would rise enough for me to get the plunger underneath those nasty little guys. Then I can plunge in the clear water and be able to walk away from the scene with the least amount of clean up!”

I think she was impressed at my plunging skills for only being 38 years old! It worked, and I saved the day for sure.

Now, I want to shout out to my son’s friend, Joel Gunn! He was the pooper!

Joel is now indebted to me for the rest of his life. Hopefully, one day I will have my revenge at his future house, and on his future toilet! And what a glorious day that will be.

There are lessons to be learned here.

My advice to everyone is this: Flush after every three wipes and eat plenty of fiber so that none of you ever have to face a stand off like this in your peaceful homes! A few more tips on personal hygiene: Brush your teeth a few times a day and use soap when you shower!

Question: Who plunges the toilets in your house?

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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21 thoughts on “The Day Our Toilet Almost Killed Me

  1. Funny!!!!:) I really enjoyed that this morning. I am also glad to know that I am not the only one in this world that is stuck with that job when it comes around. I feel your pain. I never can figure out how to get it done with out running out of air first, which is a real bummer.

  2. Thanks for the belly rolling laugh!! This is as funny as Em's sock story:)

    It also has an added bonus with a teaching on "how to" get the turds out of your life, seems to me only the fresh clean water applied with a gentle flush of power will indeed make all things fresh.

    Personally, I just holler for Bo and get out of the way as he approaches complaining on how much TP is supposed to be used, etc. LOL!!!!

    We are praying for you today.

  3. Sheer Joy!! Thanks for the laugh!! (Even though I know it's just life on the homefront!) —and such writing–this should definatley be published!! Have a terriffic day!!…………………. (did you wash your hands?)

  4. chuck, thanks for that laugh, i'm on my way to work and alot of stressful taskes that no one seems to know how to do but me and the rest of the day when it gets to be just to much that i think i am going to walk out i am going to stop and think about this story, thanks chuck.

  5. I am glad you guys survived!!! We must do all tasks we do with a cheerful heart. That is hilarious. We must take care of ourselves!!!! I am laughing so hard. I needed a hearty laugh. Thanks.

  6. Chuck, you got off easy. Hopefully, you won’t have any teenage daughters (I won’t elaborate on what I have had to get out of the toilet.)

    I finally broke down and bought one of those $300 super flush toilets from Lowe’s, guaranteed to flush 22 golf balls (or sonething like that). Worth every penny of it, and doesn’t use much water either.

  7. Well its nice to hear that there are men in the world who will do such things… im my house im the mechanic and the toilet plungerer… and the baby puck cleaner and all that nasty stuff that Chad sees and runs for the hills away from! Thanks for the laughs though… so funny!

    Jen

  8. haha! this is just too funny!

    i love reading your narratives because i can really picture myself being there!

    i'm ecstatic now that i know how to unclog toilets, i just might have to go teach someone else!

    love you guys! =]

  9. Hey Im glad everything came out all right in the end no pun intended That was a funny story and I have been there done that!!!!!!!!!

    • You guys and gals are CRACKING ME UP! Very FUNNY comments… thanks for sharing all your stories… I know it must be liberating to come CLEAN in front of all your blog family members. Thanks for LAUGHING at my funny story!

      Puritan Lad… is that true about the super potty? LOL

      No Kristin… just a conversation amongst family… of course the size of this family is getting PRETTY big these days and I have no idea who I'm actually sharing my personal stories with!

      Pooh… who is Pooh??? I only know of ONE Pooh… is that you? (notice the rhyme)!

      The rest of you guys… happy evening… make it a good one… invite someone NEW to the blogsite if you get a chance! Thanks again for making todays blog such a blast! 🙂

  10. OK, now that Em and I can breathe again from laughter — I just know that this additional skills are a welcome site on anyones resume!!!! 🙂

    Too true — laughter is the best medicine!!!

    • HAHA Gil… do you really think I am ready now? I would be honored to serve with you in Israel! Love you man!!

      Des… Yoda is proud! He told me himself! And he is proud of you too!! LOL